A Thousand, Thousand Years
by DesAnimaux
Summary: Through the years, through everything, they endured. /A series of drabbles of Shepard and Kaidan's relationship from beginning to end./
1. First Impressions

When they first meet, they're drawn to each other. Shepard glances over every once and a while at him as she and Anderson pass him on the tour of the ship, and she sees how guarded his expression is. But she turns away, thinking of all the reasons why she can't. Kaidan pretends to be hard at work, but he steals glances too, amazed by the power radiating from her. He's heard things, can see the evidence of her past in the scar on her cheek. He stays quiet, though, unable to give voice to the thoughts in his mind.


	2. Eden Prime

Their first mission, they can't believe how fast it goes south. They find the beacon eventually, and he foolishly gets too close, and all he can do is struggle in vain. But then she's there, a knight in shining armor, wresting him free. He turns to thank her, and cries her name when he sees she's taken his place. She convulses, her mouth open in a silent scream as Ashley holds him back. As soon as the blast flings her away to crumple on the ground, he's beside her, hoping and praying he didn't just cost Shepard her own life.


	3. Memories

When she wakes, it's to his voice. He's beating himself up but a few words seem to help him over it. She doesn't miss the smile, and turns away before she can return it. She waits until she's talked to their new crewmember to speak with him. He can't help but gush over her record. He asks about her family, and then wishes he hadn't said anything. Dead for years, she tells him. Burned alive by batarians, and she had to leave it all behind. He watches her disappear into memories and wonders if it wasn't behind her after all.


	4. The View

He slips up as they take in the view of the Citadel. He thinks she is beautiful. She touches the scar on her cheek, thinking of the others underneath her armor and turns her head away when she can't stop the smile. There had been few to tell her that since Elysium, others too intimidated by her. She can't quite tell him what even a small compliment means to her, and fumbles for something until, like an idiot, she quotes regs. He closes himself off and he keeps his distance afterwards. Then she has to hold tighter onto his words.


	5. Competition

He doesn't like the asari. Well, he does. She's nice, polite. But he can't help disliking how she finds ways to get closer to Shepard, how Liara looks at her. He tells himself it's none of his business, and bottles it up like everything else. But then Ashley mentions Shepard looks when his back is turned and he feels liquid fire in his veins. He watches, and when they catch each other's gaze across the mess, he sees the smile on her lips as she looks back at her meal. His concentration is shot for the rest of the night.


	6. Dangerous Ground

One late night in the mess, they wade into murky waters. They've talked and talked about each other's past, shared secrets. She stopped telling herself that it was just getting to know her crew ages ago. He dares to ask her the question, eyes hopeful. That small smile breaks out again despite herself and she tells him in no uncertain terms. They know it's against the rules. The lines of authority are clear. But resisting whatever's between them is like trying not breath. They promise that _**after**_, they'll try to fix whatever mess is made—or muck it up further.


	7. Virmire

It's a stupid move, he knows it. But he still wires the bomb, radios the others. She's angry, afraid, tells him she's coming back. Then Ashley is pinned down. Kaidan tells her to save Ash, it's the right thing. He regrets they won't have that time on shore leave together, but he doesn't regret his sacrifice. Only, it's not his. She comes for _**him**_. When Saren flees, she hoists him onto her shoulders and into the Normandy. They watch the blast from orbit. Later, he questions her at the meeting and all she can say is, "I couldn't leave you."


	8. Inevitable

They're bound for Ilos now. They're AWOL, traitors. If they don't die on Ilos, then they'll have to face the inevitable shitstorm waiting for them after that. So when he comes to her the night before, she's grateful to have him, to tell him her doubts and fears. A few comforting words slowly turn into something else, and the last walls come tumbling down. Lingering touches, searing kisses, the soft blue glow of his biotics on their skin. Afterwards, they hold onto each other for dear life, limbs tangled together within the sheets, until it's time to face the end.


	9. Victory

When the Alliance soldiers find him, he realizes that she's not with him and Garrus. He scans the wreckage, feeling the edges of his sanity fraying every second she's not in his sight. Someone pulls him back from the rubble, and he has no strength to resist. Anderson questions him, but the words stick in his throat. His Lana, where was she? He had feared she'd go down, but he also thought he'd go down with her. But wait, something was moving amidst the debris! He turned and there she was. Smiling, they run to each other, arms wide open.


	10. Mourning

A month later, he loses her for good. He regrets getting into the pod as soon as the door closes. He watches the ship explode, crash on the icy planet, and there's a sinking feeling in his gut. Joker apologizes for weeks, feeling guilty. Kaidan wants to blame him, but can't. When it's time for the funeral, cameras are shoved into his face, voices drown out his thoughts. Good. He doesn't want to think. It hurts. Especially at night, when she's not there. He takes missions again, eventually gets promoted. The ache in him becomes numbness, and he goes on.


	11. Awake

When Shepard wakes, she half expects to hear his voice. Everything hurts, and when she touches her face, there's new scars. Then she remembers. The tightness in her chest, the fear—the cold. The fighting is a welcome distraction. Once they're on the ship, Miranda and Jacob tell her how much time she's lost. Jacob thinks she's alright, but she's not. Two years, dead. She is unsure of herself—if it _is_ her at all. But whatever she is now, there's a new enemy to stop. In the back of her mind, she wonders what's become of him, of Kaidan.


	12. Horizon

She gets her answer on Horizon. She sees the years have changed him, strengthened him. He pulls her in—just as suddenly pushes her away. He accuses her, questions her as she's done since waking. It hurts, and she tries to get him to see, despite her own doubts. He turns his back on her, and she feels like dying again. But he tells her to be careful, voice tender again. In her quarters, she hesitates when she sees his name in her inbox, but opens the letter anyways. She looks at his picture on her desk, daring to hope.


	13. Reunion

When he hears the news that she's being brought in for questioning, he almost runs for her quarters. But he keeps in place, still doubtful if it's her, or if she's being controlled by Cerberus. Anderson doesn't mention her much, he can't. Months pass, and he doesn't see her. One day, after another session, she's there. Her back is turned, but he'd always know her. He calls out to her, and she tenses before turning back. They don't say much. He offers her a smile, though, one she returns. Of course, all hell breaks loose not a few minutes later.


	14. Snap

It's awkward en route to Mars. They stay in the armory as they prep for the mission, not looking at each other. James tries to keep up conversation, and Kaidan listens to them talk. He learns that they've gotten to know each other during her confinement. It bothers him, though he knows it shouldn't. He may have sent the letter, but it was a poor apology. He keeps quiet, until they arrive and find the bodies. Suspicious, he questions her. Finally she turns on him, and says, "You should know what I'm about." The shame is heavy on his shoulders.


	15. Heart Stopping

She hears it too late—the screech of metal on metal within the flames, the gunshots. Shepard turns, aims for the robot, but Kaidan is dangling in its grasp and she can't fire without hurting him. Her heart stops as the Cerberus synthetic turns and slams him into the side of the shuttle repeatedly. She empties her clip into it as it charges, eyes burning with tears and throat raw with shouting. As soon as it's down and James and Liara are tending to it, she goes to Kaidan and carries him inside. She prays she doesn't lose him again.


	16. Reflection

He wakes up and the first thing he thinks of is the sound of her scream. He'd heard it over the sound of his head impacting the shuttle. He'd never heard her so scared, not since Virmire. He thinks of Horizon, how horrible he'd been. He hadn't thought of what she might've been going through. Did she doubt herself in those first weeks? And going through the Omega 4 relay… He might've lost her again, and his last words to her would've been awful. If she thinks to see him again, he tells himself he'll do things right, then. Definitely.


	17. Clear the Air

When she sees the letter after a mission, she all but rushes to the Citadel. Despite the doctors telling her he'd be fine, some part of her feared he wouldn't. Nothing good lasted forever, it seemed. He looks alright, she thinks when she arrives. They're both a little nervous, but as they talk, it feels more like old times. They clear the air, telling one another they still care, despite all of it. As she leaves she pauses to look back. He's smiling like he used to. His eyes are warm again. For the first time in weeks, she smiles.


	18. Believe

The first reports of Cerberus come in and he's in his armor, making his way to the council. They dodge ambushes and reach the shuttles, but they're all destroyed. He tells them to get back to the elevators, hoping they can find others, and stops short when he sees her. Shepard has her gun pointed at Udina, and she's the angriest he's seen. He draws his gun, but he gives her a chance. She backs off, pleads with him to believe in her. He remembers when he didn't, and says, "I better not regret this." She tells him, "You won't."


	19. A Thousand Kisses

Slowly, in the months since he rejoins, Kaidan and Shepard start over. They trade shy smiles over meals, tease each other, find any excuse to spend more time together between missions. Soon he feels restless and wonders if she is too. The Apollo Café reopens, and he asks her there one afternoon. He takes her hand in his, and finally tells her what he should've told her long ago. "I love you, Lana." With her lips against his, she says, "I love you, Kaidan." They say it countless times as they lay in bed later, trading a thousand, thousand kisses.


	20. Deja Vu

It seems like déjà vu. She's fretting over the details when he enters her quarters. He tries to reassure her, but with the stakes even higher this time around, she seems to remain unconvinced. They have only a few hours before they hit the relay. They lose themselves in each other in the meantime, savoring what could be their last night together. Then they talk about a future they don't know is waiting for them anymore: a wedding, children, retiring somewhere quiet. When they're called, they say goodbye to the crew before heading to the cargo bay, not looking back.


	21. Goodbye

The beam is close when things go downhill again. She searches for him after the blast, and sees him struggling to get back up as the Normandy is called. He says he's alright, but she kisses him and tells James to take him in. Their hands clasp together as he begs her not to leave him behind. She won't hear of it. She knew she would probably die a second time, but she won't let him die too. He doesn't fight as he's led into the bay, but he still reaches for her as she heads for the beam, alone.


End file.
